“I have an anxious knot in my stomach every time I pick up my daughter”

It’s not out of her mother, but my wife. I never know what reception the daughter will receive. Sometimes my wife does not greet her and if it does, it is in an indifferent tone of breath. Reflections on where she puts the bag and shoes usually follow. She also gets to hear it if she does not finish the milk from the bowl with the milk grain, my stepchildren get it too but their mother’s tolerance is more and the tone different.

My daughter often gets a message from the woman that she does not belong to the family, even though she does not say so. For example, she considers it natural for relatives abroad to use my daughter’s room, whether she is with us or not. When I protest, I hear that my daughter “does not live with us”, she is only at home a few days a month. She is more like a guest than a family member. I totally disagree with this, of course my daughter lives with us too. I feel the anger, yes and the sadness, simmering in me.

Rarely are pictures of her or the decorations she brings from school put on the fridge like the pictures of the other children, and the same rules do not seem to apply to her and their toys. They are allowed to wade into it when she is not at home, but should ask if they would like to borrow something. Not infrequently, her CDs are out of place when she comes to us. I feel like she’s hurt but she’s not saying anything.

When she can not fall asleep and I look at her, but so little is needed. My wife says she’s not a toddler and she’s not in charge of home life when she arrives. Just as my daughter’s existence should have no weight in my life. She also constantly comments on me as a father but only as her father, not the other children in the household. I do not know what my wife would say if I did the same to her.

I do not ask my wife for her when I have to go somewhere at night. The daughter feels the tension in the home and is on needles when she sees something going on in me. So I usually try to take her with me or get a babysitter for her from my mom. It is also not as obvious that my daughter will come on summer vacation as her children.

I’m upset that everything in the attic of the home needs to be discussed or something done for my daughter, but it’s all so obvious when it comes to her children. My wife’s behavior is beginning to affect my relationship with her and her children, who have otherwise been very good. I feel like I’m in adultery with my daughter as I go after my wife with various things related to her. The worst thing is that I can not talk about these issues with my wife without everything going high and she says:

Should I now be made the evil steward?

A lonely father and the “evil stepfather” are not a good mix, neither for adults nor for children who are like a barometer of parental well-being. All families have the opportunity to live a good life, regardless of family type. Some need more information and support than others when dealing with tasks they are unfamiliar with or poorly prepared for, and sometimes by professionals.

Running in defense, not discussing issues, withdrawing from communication, going into hiding, becoming even more critical and negative is not a promising way to build a good family life. In well-functioning families, problems are addressed quickly, instead of allowing them to accumulate. Disagreement is not a problem, even if it is not addressed.

Everyone needs to take responsibility for the situation and keep in mind – that all children are important!

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