“I love my dad. Over the years I have been very unhappy, full of shame, sad and angry about the experiences of my upbringing, and especially angry at the fact that you left me without explaining to me why things were the way they were, and without saying that you would be sorry to have put so much effort into me and my siblings “
I realize that most, if not all, of what went wrong in your upbringing can be traced to your disorder. All the violence between you and Mom that followed the disorder, ever since I was a little girl, and made me so scared and insecure. The argument when you were sober and slammed doors and broke something, shouted at us, used ugly words left in the soul, and then maybe went to work, and I remember what I was up to coming home when you were done working.
Then I remember the time after the drunkenness when you had worked your mother back on your band, for example by buying something for her, you always forgot to think about us, your children, who had experienced “horror”. We were always so disappointed, scared and nervous for the next drunkenness, and you did not explain anything to us, did not ask for forgiveness, never told us that you loved us, and this was not our fault.
I actually remember at least two times when you were lost for days together and then suddenly appeared at home with a little puppy, which I think was your way of saying sorry. But you were so sick that you did not realize that WE and your family were too sick and unbalanced to take care of a dog, we had enough of ourselves, so the cheerleader was soon sent to the countryside.
Forget about yourself and your family
Today I understand that you were a very sick alcoholic who had such a hard time dealing with your illness, which then had very bad consequences for you and your family. You were a great emotional being, and could see no harm, you were always ready to help those in need, but you may have forgotten yourself and your family, who were in dire need of help.
When I look back today, I feel like I did not participate in family life, I feel like I have been a spectator. I do not know how I can explain this differently, but I do not feel I have connected with you mom emotionally, the only person from my upbringing that I feel in my heart that loved me was Grandma. But I love you very much and appreciate the good that I think I have received from your upbringing.
I felt so strong when you read the death knell and it was so amazing that in between you were in pain, you were telling us stories from your past, and I so wanted to touch you or rub your feet like my sister did , but I was not sure you wanted me to do that. There was always some emotional distance between us.
I was always scared of your reaction.
I’m not writing this letter to you dad to keep your anger down, much less. I’m trying to work my way out of this horrible life experience growing up with alcoholism and violence that affected me so much that I became very involved and made your needs, yours and mom’s a priority, I was always trying to make you feel good. well, and I do not consider myself to have had any reason to make my needs as important as home life was when I was a child and teenager.
So I went out into life with a very broken self-image, I felt worthless and irrelevant, but I remember one feeling that was very strong, THE FEELING OF FREEDOM, I finally felt free, to be free from you and the home, but then I soon realized how difficult it is to get a foothold in life with this past on your back.
So I have been trying to take responsibility for myself and seek help, things have gone awry. I don’t think I’ve finally found the help I needed, or maybe I’m finally mature enough to deal with myself, I do not know. But as I said, I am here at Lausninn, which is a self-sustaining organization, and there I work in co-operation, anger, sadness, shame and more that help me little by little to get on better with life.
My dear dad, I’m going to say goodbye to you now and I know deep down that you feel better and better at dealing with things. I want you to know that I am happy with you and the past and believe that you have done as well as you could in your circumstances.
Yours, your daughter.